Familial Attachment
One thing is for sure: I’m not myself right now. I’m an emotional minefield, impossible to pass without tripping a switch. When I’m my normal self, I’m considered to be calm and collected, but in these few days I instead react irrationally. I try to remain composed and unconcerned but I can’t hide what is frequently anger, frustration or fear. Playing passiveness simply doesn’t work. Nowhere else do I experience such strong negative emotion. Is this because I’m not used to such close familial attachment?
As a child, closely-knit family integration was non-existent. When I’m put into an environment of intimate family bonding, I’m awkward and clueless as to how to participate. I react by imitating others. As much as I’d want to avoid pinning this flaw up to some Freudian hypothesis, I do believe my lack of genuine compassion stems from the absence of a mother’s say in my early years. My father did well to clothe and feed me, but there is only so much an emotionally tongue-tied Scotsman can do to make up for a “mother’s touch.” This would explain why I freeze up during hugs, am speechless when I’m complimented, unmoved by another’s suffering and unaware when it comes to acts of familial bonding. I simply didn’t experience such things as a child. I have no sense of attachment.
So, 20 years removed from her, to be with her now I am ashamed to say I act like a child. It seems I’m learning how to receive a mother’s say 20 years later. I tell you, it’s hard being told what to do when you’ve been doing things your own way for a very long time. Harder is to read her true feelings and decipher her criticisms and verbal lashings. Is a mother ever pleased with you? It seems like they always have an opinion on what you’re doing wrong and what you could be doing better; after I’ve cooled off I can accept this as their love, not disapproval. But getting to that point of rational thinking definitely requires a sojourn in a very angry place. Thankfully, after writing all this out, I’m at peace.
For now.
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